Quick Post

I'm working on putting together a video that takes you through my first drinking experience.  I had a great time with Audra walking through Taylor's Falls today filming it, and I think it is going to be a very nice film when it is done.

Not much to say with this post other than I am still going strong, and this week seemed less focused on drinking, other than the two baseball games... oh yeah, and the caramelized beer party that took place after work on Friday. Thats where you dip a red hot poker in your beer and watch the chemical reaction and enjoy the different taste of the beer after.

I'll try to have the video done this week.

Sober Baseball

It turns out my first Twins game at the new stadium happened to be the game they clinched the division.  Of course not being a sports fan I didn't understand the magnitude of that, and we went home before they pulled ahead in the eighth inning.

I remember seeing this episode when I was a kid - it aired when I was 13 years old.  I show this to joke around, and I know there is more to Baseball than watching the game, but being there with no drink, just like being at a bar with no drink, it really feels different.  It takes time to get used to it.  That is why I am not giving up alcohol for one month only, or three months, I want to thoroughly get used to the idea of not drinking.

It's like the old quote from Swingers, when Mike asks how long it will take for his ex girlfriend to call and ask for him back (he wants her to call before he forgets about her).  Rob says, "That's the thing, somehow they know not to call until you really forget."

I want to forget about drinking.  I'm less than three weeks in and I still see it everywhere.  I know it will always be there, just like anything else.  But eventually I really will forget.

Witnessing positive drinking

This was one of the most popular shows in history right?  It was obviously relatable to a large audience.

Had my first sober Friday happy hour.  Excellent bar named Mackenzie's that my coworkers like to go to after a good weeks work for the great beers and awesome bartender/manager.  I had 2 Diet Cokes, and George didn't even charge me.  I almost feel bad showing up and not giving him business.  

Audra came home twice last week and poured a beer into a mug and sipped on it while we watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia – a great show that we enjoy.

The way Audra can just sip on one beer and not grab a second really vexes me.  She eats more than I do (sorry sweetie;)), so I know it isn't her getting 'full'.  I guess some people really are wired differently when it comes to drinking, and therefore some of us must show more restraint.

The point of this post is that I am witnessing others drinking responsibly, that is, having one with dinner, or having one at happy hour and driving home.  This shows me that what I am doing is really unnecessary for a certain sector of the drinking population.  I am just not in that sector.

The mind wants to be tricked

Magicians know the mind is easily deceived.  Copperfield was always a favorite of mine.  Of course now anyone can look up how this illusion is done on youtube.  I urge you not to.  Try to keep magic alive.  Making an audience genuinely applaud is one of the greatest gifts someone can give the world.

Unfortunately, my own mind will trick me more often than a magician ever could.  I can talk myself into things, rationalize my actions, make excuses.  There are many well documented cognitive biases that prevent us from making the correct decisions.  It is sometimes amazing to me that society is able to funciton at all becasue of them.  See how many you are guilty of - better still, how many have you found in others?  I bet you will find more that way:)

I've convinced myself that not drinking for a year was a good idea after many years of convincing myself otherwise. Have I finally outsmarted myself, or only just begun to understand myself?

Divine Infinity

One of the things I planned to do with my time is to read some books.  I checked out "A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking.  Without getting religious here, I wanted to share some of the places my mind wanders to when I look up at the night sky.  No matter how much science explains away, I want to say something that most people may not know:  Science has no idea how gravity works.  There are theories, and you can predict how fast something will fall - but there is no known reason why gravity exists.  Even the smartest scientists can not answer the simplest thing that mankind has taken for granted forever.

Things like that allow me to admire the beauty of the universe and the beauty of the atom from a scientific point of view and keeping my faith at the same time.  The rest of the 9 parts pop up once the video is done, if you are interested, it is very interesting. I pause at the beginning and let it buffer because for some reason it keeps lagging.

I made it one week, and believe me, it is hard to look at those beers in the fridge.  It seems silly, but it had become a habit to open one up if one was there. And now they just sit there - probably wondering what they did wrong, ha!  One day at a time.  I can feel the evenings last much longer when I don't have anything.  But i am sleeping better.

Anatomy of a Hangover

I made it through the weekend, whew!

I consider a hangover to be any kind of negative feeling the morning after drinking – not just the really bad ones hangovers that last all day. One of the things I notice about staying sober is how I can still have a slight hangover the morning after, and I can still regret things I did the night before. So instead of having six captain-cokes, I just have six cokes, and have a stomach ache from all the sugar.

Also, if I am talking all night, especially if there is music playing, I will have a hoarse voice and feel dehydrated too. So many things you attribute to too much drinking had nothing to do with the booze.

As far as regret, I would always feel stupid or embarrassed if I did something foolish while drinking. The truth is, it is just as simple to put my foot in my mouth or embarrass myself while sober, only now I don’t have the crutch of being tipsy as an excuse to fall back on.

September 11th seems like a different time to me.

I was drinking beer on September 11, 2001 with my friend Ryan.  I had all kinds of classes the next day to be studying for but I didn't do anything except drink beer and watch the television.  Nobody knew what was going to happen next.  Waking up the next morning was sad because you knew it was real.  The smoke had cleared and you saw the now iconic view of the seventy foot steel skeleton sticking up from a pile of rubble like swords.

Those buildings were immense.  Each one had their own zip code.  They alone could have housed a third of downtown Minneapolis' workforce.  I have a voice recording of me when I was 5 or 6 talking about building a lego tower as tall as them.  I think I had seen the new King Kong or something.

Everyone made it through the 5K today for ovarian cancer.  A real great showing of people.  I made it in 28:17 which was much better than I thought I would.

Audra and everyone came back to the house today after watching their basketball team lose to America at the bar.  I've added a small clip to show you how I would normally be right beside them, probably on my 5th or so drink right now.  We also have to go to a 30th birthday tonight, tons of people, in an outdoor shed style barn type thing.  It's the kind of party that will get loud and go late.  It's one of the hardest things to do right at the first week of being sober - making it through a long party like that, something that will go until 3 or 4 in the morning, and probably nobody knows I'm not drinking.  I'll just keep a glass of diet coke in my hand all night.

Day One

Some people ask if I plan to write every day during this, or they think I am writing too much.  I guess I had a lot of exposition I wanted to get out on the table before I started.  I'll be writing whenever I feel like it and/or am able to.

Ok, day one.  Audra had her first day at her new job today.  Her building downtown is the same one that housed our wedding reception/restaurant three years ago.  I had a half hour to wait for her to get done, and my first inclination was to go down to the bar in that restaurant and grab a beer.  It would be nice to have one with her once she got done too, I thought, since it is neat that these locations coincided. Secondly, today is one month since my mom passed, and I thought a glass of wine with my Dad would have been appropriate.  It got a bit late and I still want to go for a run tonight, so I am going to do that instead.  I am running in a 5k to benefit ovarian cancer on Saturday.  I'm sure Dad understands:)

Overall, a fine cool sober September day.  I found out my good friend Mark is also going to take a break from drinking, so I'll have some company.  It always helps to have someone for moral support.  Or at least to help you think you aren't crazy!

September Seventh, Day One: 156.2lbs

Enemy 4: I owe it to myself

 I saw Bill Cosby live once and he was just hilarious.  This pretty much sums up my point.  I have been responsible, I have worked hard, why shouldn't I be able to enjoy a drink whenever I want?  The only way I can think of to change this mindset is to come up with some other reward for a job well done, and that something needs to be less addictive, less expensive, and more wholesome than drinking, otherwise there is no point.

Enemy 3: The notion that life is short

How do you sell junk that isn't selling well?  Create the illusion of scarcity.  You only go around once, you may as well enjoy it while you can, right?  "Pretty soon you will have kids and you will be begging to go back to the days when you could go out and have a drink with no worries! " is what they tell me.  Maybe they are right.

The idea that you are missing out is a very powerful human emotion.  I can think of few others that are so often manipulated by the media, salesmen, or whoever, than the feeling of missing out.  Deal is good for two days only?  You're only young once?  Man.  Tough to argue that logic.  The truth is I have lots of time. I mean, sure, anyone could get hit by a bus tomorrow, but that isn't the point.  I can just as easily turn your argument on a dime and say "if life is so short, how come a year without alcohol feels so long?"  My twenties just ended, but they felt like they lasted forever.  I am a very different person than when I was 20. What I'm getting at is, if this year goes by and I feel like it was a stupid idea, I'll drink again, but I don't think I will regret not drinking for that one year for the rest of my life - and I do think I will have literally thousands of chances to make up for that lost time in the future.

Ok, easier said than done - because when you are there in the moment, everyone around you is having a good time, there is no element of danger from drinking and letting loose, it is very hard to convince yourself that you are not missing out on the party.  This enemy is only defeated by persistence and resolve - even downright stubbornness to not drink.

Enemy 2: I enjoy the idea of drinking

After six months without a drink, that first one hits me like an emotional tsunami.  The soothing feel of the alcohol kicking in to melt any stresses I had from the day, the positive reinforcement I get when a few work buddies clank their drink with mine after a hard project goes out the door, when the band stops to have the shot the I bought them, and they cheer me and I feel included.  In that moment I go from wondering why I used to drink so much... to wondering how I went so long without it.

Inclusion... feeling special, feeling useful, feeling fun, feeling like no one in the history of parties had ever experienced one like the one I am giving to the world, and alcohol is the key ingredient.  I don't hate drinking, in fact, I'm good at it.  I never took the time to become a wine connoisseur or a beer snob, but I can take a drinker from another city and show him or her a great evening.  I am charming and know just what to say, and when I order you a beer, you look at me, and you are my friend... right?

Can I toast with diet coke?  Can I walk through a party without something in my hand?  Even if I could, do I really want to?  No, of course not.  I like drinking.  It feels like home...  I am told my whole life to "go with what I know" and "do what I'm are good at" and "follow my passion".

So if you haven't figured out by now, quitting drinking is more than just what it says.  It's turning my back on a part of what I have come to know myself as.  All while having friends scratching their heads wondering why I would do such a thing, like when a great show decides to have their last season, or when a great band decides to break up.

Yup.  Its not all about saving money, is it now...

Enemy 1: The Illusion of Success

For all of the perceived benefits I listed of not drinking, strangely, I have not been able to kick the habit.   Why not?  Well, the first demon you must slay is the illusion that you have in fact mastered alcohol, and swear you will never subject yourself to the habitual drinking that your younger "stupider" self did.  "I may have one or two once in a while, but I don't plan to start drinking every day again, or drinking heavily ever again...."

After six months of not drinking, I figured I must not be addicted, and allowed myself to have a beer.  All the benefits I listed above had become old news to me, that is, my budget had adjusted to include the money saved from not drinking, the sober cab idea had become the status quo, and I no longer felt like the alcohol had a hold on me, so how bad could it be to have one or two drinks?

Inside of a month it was back to normal - and friends that had gone without me as a drinkin buddy welcomed me back with open arms.  I remember the first time I had a hangover after going so long without one.  I cried, actually, how stupid I was to go back and waste my saturday in bed feeling like this, but it was too late, everyone knew I was drinking again, and to go around to everyone and tell them it was just a temporary relapse seemed more than my personality could handle at the time.  So I conceded, and that leads me directly to my next enemy...